(Sense and Sensitivity) Mom’s retirement party plans thwarted by finances

Published 11:22 am Tuesday, August 5, 2025

Dear Harriette: My mom is gearing up for her next big step in life — retirement! My siblings and I are so happy for her.

It didn’t cross my mind to plan a proper celebration for her. My older sister reached out and asked if we should throw a shindig, invite all her friends and surprise my mom after she works her last day. I think the idea is spectacular! The problem is that I can’t afford to throw any kind of blowout. How can I help make this time special for my mom without exposing my own financial struggles?—Celebrating on a Budget

Dear Celebrating on a Budget: It is essential that you own your situation and speak up. Tell your siblings how excited you are about the idea of surprising your mother with a party. Offer to do as much as you can to make it special, and say upfront that you have limited resources right now. Tell them how much money you can offer, as painful as it may be to say out loud. If you don’t tell them, they can’t know and may make assumptions about what you will contribute. In lieu of dollars, offer time, creativity and sweat equity.

Dear Harriette: I’ve noticed my teenage daughter becoming more secretive. She spends a lot of time in her room glued to her phone, and she isn’t as open with me as she used to be. I know this is normal for teens, but I can’t help but feel a little disconnected and worried. Recently, I found out by accident that she has a private social media account under a different username. She never mentioned it to me, and it’s clearly meant to be kept hidden from adults, including her parents.

I haven’t confronted her about the account yet because I don’t want to betray her trust or make her feel like I’m spying on her. At the same time, I’m concerned about what she might be posting or who she’s interacting with online. Social media can be a risky place, especially for young girls, and I just want to make sure she’s safe. I’m trying to balance respecting her growing independence with my responsibility to guide and protect her. But I’m not sure how to bring this up without making her shut down or feel like I’m invading her privacy. How do I start this conversation in a way that opens the door instead of closing it? And how can I create a sense of trust while still setting appropriate boundaries? — Finsta

Dear Finsta: It is common for young people to have secret social media accounts that their parents cannot access. You should not try to get her to show this to you as it won’t work. She can just make another. Instead, continue to teach her about what she should keep private and what is OK to post. Remind her that she should never post nudity, any -isms (racism, sexism, prejudice of any kind), alcohol or drugs.

I’ve known some parents who ask another younger person to be their confidants and keep tabs on their kids’ secret accounts. This is where trust is essential. You cannot address it directly. Just continue to guide your daughter toward honorable behavior.

Dear Harriette: My partner and I have been increasingly less intimate over the past couple of months. At this point, we’re intimate only once or twice a month, and I’m always the one to initiate. I’ve tried asking about the shift in dynamic and how we went from him always wanting it to me nearly having to beg for it, but he assures me that there’s no particular reason. He keeps saying he’s just been tired from work, but I don’t believe him. In the moment, if I’m being flirtatious or trying to be more physical, he gets frustrated or defensive or asks why I’m never tired.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but when he snaps at me it seems more like he’s keeping something from me than just sheer exhaustion. I’m suspicious, but I don’t want to offend him by admitting that. What should I do? — Struggling Lovers

Dear Struggling Lovers: Ask your partner directly if he is interested in someone else or even if he has another lover. The shock of that question may yield a candid answer. If not, ask if there are any health-related concerns that may be bothering him or if you have upset him in some way. A sudden change of behavior like this was triggered by something. Keep sleuthing until you find out what it is.

Harriette Cole is founder of an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. Send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com.