‘Smart’ steering wheel could drive us over the edge

Published 2:00 am Sunday, November 6, 2011

Ever been driving along, minding your own bidness, when someone pulls out in front of you driving 20 mph and then has the nerve to slow down to turn?

Did you shout at the driver? Turn purple? Use smutty hand gestures to indicate displeasure?

Car manufacturers want you to calm down. That’s why researchers for BMW are developing a steering wheel with tiny sensors in it that monitor what I’ll call “skin conductance,” mainly because that’s what the researchers called it and it makes me sound smart.

What it really means is that sensors can determine if you’re about the have a come-apart behind the wheel of a hurtling two-ton missile.

But here’s the mad scientist part: The researchers have figured out how to prevent road rage attacks by angry drivers or crashes brought on by, say, someone fainting dead away behind the wheel.

If the sensors notice you’ve gone wonky, they will turn off your cellphone, turn down your radio and reduce your speed.

Well, dang.

I would never even get to the speed limit. I’m always stressed. Firstly, I am a multi-tasking single mom who is patience-challenged.

Secondly, I am editor of a small-town newspaper where every day brings new torments, er, challenges.

My blood pressure shot up last week when those of us in the newsroom heard the crackle of the police scanner followed by: “There’s a runaway bull in the parking lot of First National Bank on Highway 72.”

People who heard the report on the radio while driving down the highway likely had the same thought I did: “Wonder where he keeps his wallet?” But the second reaction would likely be a racing heartbeat and a sense of urgency to get off the road!!

I don’t think I have a road rage problem but I will admit to giving the stink eye to people who stop in the middle of the highway to make a turn when there’s a perfectly good turn lane right beside them. And it’s even called a “turn” lane just in case the driver is really stupid or hopped up on drugs.

In my car, those steering wheel sensors would be constantly dinging, letting me know my blood pressure’s up and slow down the car. Presumably, this wonder wheel wants to minimize distractions in times of stress.

Wonder what happens when the driver wants to use the deactivated phone to call for help? Or if he or she is calmed by a little Barry Manilow cranked up on massive woofers but can’t access the radio?

Plus, if your problem is road rage, shouldn’t the steering wheel be locking you inside your vehicle and securing your Taser in the glove compartment?

Do you suppose if Kim Kardashian had been driving the limo to the church for her wedding, the steering wheel could have told her something was askance with her relationship before the vows?

Perhaps the sensors would have said to her: “This isn’t a plotline on a reality show. This is marriage. To a person. Forever.”

Then she would not have had to suffer being the star of the two-part special “Kim’s Fairytale Wedding” (see how What’s-His-Name wasn’t even in the title?), followed by 72 grueling days of wedded misery. She could have avoided the aftermath of a divorce announcement and being interviewed on dozens of television shows while her tearful fans leave flowers and cards of support outside her Miami shop. (Has anyone even checked to see how What’s-His-Name is doing? Wonder how his steering wheel sensor would have reacted as he was driving away from the mansion with his clothes in the backseat.)

Perhaps this “smart” steering wheel should be equipped with the most commonly used stress reliever known to woman: It could squirt chocolate syrup right into the driver’s mouth. Have you ever seen a woman sitting on a sofa eating bon-bons feel the urge to get up and slap somebody? I didn’t think so.

More than likely, she’s dripping chocolate cream on her sweatshirt, listening to “Mandy” on the radio and dreaming of Hugh Jackman.

Or is that just me?