CRUMBS OF CANDOR: Women who do too much

Published 11:30 am Saturday, December 9, 2023

A friend recently shared this story with me. Does it sound like anyone you might know?

My mom didn’t sleep, was exhausted, irritable, grumpy and bitter all the time. She was always sick until one day, suddenly, she changed.

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My dad told her, “I’ve been looking for a job for three months and haven’t found anything. I’m going to have a few beers with friends.”

Mom said, “Okay.”

My brother told her, “I’m failing all my classes at college.”

Mom replied calmly, “Okay, you will recover … and if you don’t, well, you will repeat the semester — but you will pay the tuition.”

My sister said, “Mom, I smashed the car.”

Mom responded, “Okay, take it to the shop and figure out how to pay for it while they fix it. You can get around by bus or friends.”

A relative came to her and said, “I have come to spend a few months with you.”

Mom said, “Okay, settle in the living room. You can sleep on the couch and look for some blankets in the closet.”

We all gathered around, worried at seeing these reactions from Mom. We suspected she had gone to the doctor and he had prescribed some “I don’t give a darn” pills.

Was she overdosing on them? We didn’t want her addicted, so we proposed an intervention. But during the intervention, she explained. “It took me a long time to realize that each person is responsible for their own life. It took me years to discover that all my anguish, anxiety, depression, insomnia and stress does not — and will not — solve your problems, but it does aggravate mine.

“Finally, I recognized that I’m not responsible for the actions of anyone but me and it’s not my job to provide happiness. I am responsible for my reactions, so I’ve concluded that my duty to myself is to remain calm and let each of you solve what happens to you.

“I’ve taken classes in yoga, meditation, miracles, human development, mental hygiene, self-care and discovered a common denominator in all of them. I can only control myself.

“Each of you already has the necessary resources to solve your own problems, in spite of their difficulty. My job is only to love, pray for, encourage you and hopefully liberate you to solve them on your own to find your own happiness.

“My advice will be given only if you ask for it. Of course, even then, it is only helpful to you if choose to follow it or not.

“There are consequences, both good and bad, for each choice you make, and then you are required to live with them. So from now, I am no longer the receptacle for your responsibilities, your sack of guilt, the laundress of your remorse, the advocate of your faults, the pain of your lamentations or the depository for your duties.

“Today, I declare you all to be independent and self-sufficient adults.”

You could hear a pin drop. It was totally silent.

From that day on, the entire family began to function better, because everyone knew exactly what they needed to do.

Learning these lessons for me was difficult and took way too many decades. As a caregiver from a very tender age, responsibility for others was heaped upon me.

As women in general, but as mothers and wives, we are fixers of all things — often to our own detriment.

We don’t want to see our loved ones go through difficulties or struggle, yet we want everyone to be happy and feel loved. We need to change our quest to helping them become responsible and taking our responsibility for them out of the equation.

We each have a mission to accomplish during this earth life, but somehow it’s hard to know that we aren’t in control of more than we actually are. “Let go and let God” is so much more than a cliché.

The only thing we actually control is ourselves, so throw off those bowlines; bite the bullet; and live the life you were meant to live without the guilt and mock responsibility for other’s happiness.

After all, personal peace is crucial, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why things played out the way they did. Let it go.

What we allow is what will continue so simply stop enabling and handicapping them. Allow them to become responsible, productive, self-reliant functioning adults and face the consequences of their actions. Put those barriers in place and do not cross that line.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know that it’s me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know that it’s me.