I’m declaring war on the English language.

Not all the English language, mind you, but a few words. Sadly, they are words I find myself using.

I’m not talking about profanity, however, though I should use less of that.

Specifically, I’m talking about the words “literally,” “actually” and “like.” The American public are overusing these words, and I’m sick of it.

Not literally or actually sick, just figuratively sick.

I’ve railed about the use of these words in front of others. Some people chuckle to amuse me, like someone would chuckle to amuse a child standing on his or her head.

I’m not standing on my head, and I’m deadly serious about the overuse of the aforementioned three words.

Think about how many times a day you hear someone use them. Things reached a tipping point when I found out I was actually using the word “actually” way too often. Then one day I realized I used the word “literally” when I didn’t have to.

As a person who makes a living from words, I immediately felt shame.

Over the weekend, my wife was relaying an anecdote about something unimportant (to me) that happened to someone unimportant (to me). During the course of the anecdote-telling, she dropped the dreaded “L” bomb.

“Why did you use that word?” I immediately asked. “Were you aware you used it?”

“What word?” she asked, puzzled.

“Literally,” said I. “Did you need that word there?”

“I don’t know,” she said, looking at me like I’m the biggest jerk on the plant. (Sometimes I am.)

I don’t recall what the sentence was, but I repeated it back to her without the word “literally.”

“Did leaving that word out change the meaning of the sentence?” I asked.

“No,” she said, again looking at me like the jerk I am.

It was then I explained my quest to educate the world about the overuse of “literally,” “actually” and “like.”

“I’m like, really serious about this,” I told her.

I explained to her a situation or scenario can be literal or figurative. I used this example:

“I literally ran right into that car,” I said, then asking her if a person could figuratively run into a car. She reckoned not.

“Like” is a different animal. It’s overused by everyone from age 5 to 95. Like a bunch of valley girls at a California mall, Americans throw it in as an unnecessary placeholder as often as humanly possible.

“It’s, like, so hot outside.”

“It’s, like, so cold in here.”

“That’s, like, a really cool car.”

“That’s, like, a really good song.”

“That Smith guy’s, like, a really big jerk.”

You could take the word “like” out of all those examples, and the meaning wouldn’t change. (Especially the last example.)

Then there are those individuals who insist on using them all in one sentence:

“This is actually like the best piece of chicken I’ve literally ever eaten. OMG!”

“Actually, the car literally like ran into me.”

So why do we use these unnecessary words? More importantly, what can be done to curb their usage?

I told my wife shock therapy might work. If all those who used the words unnecessarily wore shock collars like bird dogs in training, it could get the point across.

I’m sure the brainiacs at Redstone Arsenal could whip up something like that tout de suite, better known as “toot sweet” in Alabama.

If the shock collar idea won’t work, I’ll start an online rumor that each time someone uses the word “literally,” a terrorist kills a penguin. (A jerk idea, I know.)

I’m not sure anything can be done at this point. I’m one of those crotchety old people who believes (quite honestly) no one will be able to read or write in 30 years and that my end-of-life decisions will be made by people who use “literally,” “actually” and “like” every other word.

I can see me now in some soiled hospital bed, barely clinging to life as two semi-literate idiots decide my fate:

“Like, what should we do with this like old fart?”

“Like, I don’t know, dude. I actually just started this job, like, literally yesterday.”

“So we should just, like, let him die?”

“Yeah, like, I actually guess so. He literally seems like a jerk.”

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

— Editor Adam Smith can be reached at adam@athensnews-courier.com.