(Sense and Sensitivity) Husband’s lack of effort is hurting his spouse

Published 3:26 pm Wednesday, July 30, 2025

Dear Harriette: My husband’s birthday is coming up soon, and I’m torn about how to handle it. Last year, on my birthday, he completely forgot it was even happening until the evening. I tried to brush it off, but it really hurt. When he finally remembered, he quickly suggested we go out to eat, and we ended up at Chili’s. Don’t get me wrong — I appreciate any effort, but it felt like such an afterthought, especially because I always go out of my way to make his birthdays feel special. I plan activities, I surprise him and I try to make the day meaningful.

Now that my husband’s birthday is around the corner, part of me feels like doing the same thing he did for me: waiting until the evening and then taking him somewhere super casual. I know it might sound childish or even petty, but I feel like I’m constantly giving more effort than I receive. I don’t want to stoop to his level, but I also don’t want to keep setting the bar high for someone who doesn’t do the same in return. Would it be completely immature if I did what he did for me last year, or is there a better way to? — Bad Birthday

Dear Bad Birthday: Rather than fretting over what your husband doesn’t do, tell him what you would like him to do for you for your big day. Let this include whatever you feel makes your birthday special; you can even tell him what you’d like to receive as a gift. Ask him to think about that as he plans your celebration next year. Make it clear that you expect him to do something to make you feel happy.

Hopefully, it eliminates the possibility that your husband does nothing, because you will be reminding him in advance of your special day and alerting him to how to celebrate.

Don’t be petty. Show him how you want your own birthday to be celebrated, and enjoy what you plan.

Dear Harriette: I love to go to the beach and hang out in the sun. My spouse does not. She has extremely sensitive skin, which is likely why she avoids the sun. This is a bummer for me. When I think of things to do for fun in the summer, every idea involves being outside in the sun. She has the opposite thoughts. How can I be more considerate of her without completely giving up my source of fun? — Sun Worshipper

Dear Sun Worshipper: Think about your spouse AND yourself as you plan activities. If you want to go to the beach, find a location that has cabana services so your spouse can be completely shaded as you sit nearby in the sun. Research garments with technology that blocks harmful rays, and make it possible for your spouse to be outside. Look into fun outdoor activities that start after the sun goes down. Maybe she can visit a spa during the day while you sunbathe, and the two of you can dance at night under the stars, safe from harmful rays.

Harriette Cole is founder of Dreamleapers, an initiative to help people activate their dreams. Send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com.