Crumbs of Candor: Bittersweet

Published 4:00 am Sunday, July 3, 2022

To paraphrase Dickens, it was both the best and the worst of times … some of those worst life events turned me bitter; especially those of my early years. Despite all the trials and challenges life throws into our path, I am not generally a bitter person. Gleaning the sweetness life offers, my heart overflows with joy. Yet, the wounds and scars can be reopened with a single word, or a glance as floodgates reopen and the hurt feels fresh as it is relived repeatedly. Those all too familiar feelings and fears of rejection, exclusion, hurt, pain, insecurity, and especially unworthiness to be loved rush back overwhelmingly.

While there are memories of idyllic times and carefree and innocent joys of a youngster, unfortunately, they are far from the norm. If offered the chance to go back and relive my childhood, it would be turned down without hesitation over and over again.

As I write these words, I am on the brink of turning sixty-five years old and yet I can still be reduced to a puddle of inadequacy in the blink of an eye. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the one who has this control over me is a member of my immediate family; the very ones who should love me unconditionally, however, there are far too many conditions mandated by them.

Sadly, the very ones who should have built me up all those years ago are the very ones who nearly destroyed me. Despite being married to my best friend and the love of my life for almost half a century, one of them can and does cut to my very core and refresh and renew those old feelings instantly. Their power to do this makes me both bitter and angry that despite all the counseling, overcoming, unconditional love unfeigned from other sources and self-esteem and worth in the eyes of God simply baffles me.

Why do I still give them such power? That is the question. To understand that being spoon fed hellfire and brimstone along with an enormous yet malicious dose of you are worthless was a constant mantra throughout my developing years; partly done in ignorance and yet, it still can’t be that simple after all these decades. Various conclusions explored include jealousy, envy, self-hatred or just plain indifference. But not me — having finally learned to love myself and to accept who and what I am — at least 99.44 times out of 100. It’s that measly .56 of one percent that still cuts to the quick.

For the first fifteen years of my marriage, it was a common scenario for me to cry myself to sleep, to wake up in fits of hysteria from recurring nightmares and to question my worth at every turn. Despite the patience and undying love of my husband, my self-esteem continued to sink even with occasional spurts of energy that would send it bobbing to the surface for brief respites of relief. Looking back, I know that he truly loved me during that entire time for a deep, enduring love was required to assuage my fears, to reassure me repeatedly to aid in the constant battle in overcoming my insecurities and to eventually help me come into my own being.

My gratitude to both my good husband and my Lord and Savior is undying for they both have shown me such patience and unconditional love that never would have evolved without either of them, I would literally be a nervous wreck and reduced to an unproductive mess of negative emotions and an inhibited, needy and unconfident twisted mass of raw human needs.

A decade has passed since I first penned these thoughts. Many changes have occurred during that time. Older but wiser, more tolerant but less judgmental, as determined as ever but less concerned about so many things that used to upset me.

Now my worth is no longer measured by perceptions, real or imagined, of anyone else. Finally knowing that my true worth is that I exist, living and breathing, in my now frail body and frame and knowing that I am a creation of the Most High God gives me an eternal worth and value that no mere mortal can degrade or dismiss.

Others may wonder if I might consider myself above anyone else. Nothing could be further from the truth. We are all equal in the sight of God as we should be within the sight of one another. We are humans, whether the dregs of society or the elite aristocrats, but there is a spark of divinity in each of us placed there by the Creator of the Universe and everything therein; even God our eternal Heavenly Father.

It’s truly a blessing to become comfortable in one’s own skin.