I just hate a rich, female dog, don’t you?

A dog’s life is not supposed to include trips to the salon, designer couture and personal chefs.

A dog is not supposed to have more carats than the average ruler of a small country.

A dog is not supposed to have a $12-million trust fund like the one Leona Helmsley left her 8-year-old Maltese named Trouble when she died last month.

The pooch doesn’t even have pockets. Where’s she going to put $12 million?

I try not to be jealous but… a dog should not have better credit than me.

Maybe Trouble’s mama, often lovingly referred to by employees as a female dog herself, wanted to ensure Trouble had the best professional care available to treat her psychological issues.

Without consulting a rich-female-dog whisperer, I’m just guessing about the psychological issues. But it stands to reason Trouble suffers from Post Dramatic Stress. Former house servants of Helmsley’s say she thought the dog channeled the spirit of her late husband, and she even went so far as make tongue-to-tongue contact with the beloved dog. Apparently, no humans wanted that job.

When Trouble is not on the doggie therapist’s couch, she probably spends time in stress-relieving endeavors like flying to Europe for a plate of liver-filled crepes, some aromatherapy (bacon-scented candles are always relaxing) and the debut of Le Pampered Pooch’s fall line.

It’s a shame a personal jet is wasted on an owner who’s only interested in getting a taste of some high-altitude toilet water.

Trouble’s fund, ironically called a “trust,” was established with any remainder earmarked for charity in the event of Trouble’s death, which guarantees no one can contest the will — like those pesky grandkids Leona neglected to leave even a kibble — or that no one will try to knock off the dog to get his hands on the loot.

She will likely never know what it’s like to be dogged by money trouble, to have to clip Purina coupons, wear rhinestone collars, buy consignment-shop rawhide and sleep on (gasp) cotton sheets.

Like me, you may be worried about the important things, like where Trouble will ever find a suitable mate in her tax bracket.

Never fear. Many estate attorneys are now creating packages to help people leave money for the care of pets. The world record for a canine inheritance went to Gunther III, who received $80 million from Countess Carlotta Liebenstein in 1991.

Trouble will keep living high, so to speak, even in death. The will stipulates Helmsley and Trouble will be side-by-side for eternity in a $1.4 million, 1,300-square-foot mausoleum with a stained-glass window depicting Manhattan’s skyline.

Even after she’s dead, Trouble will be in a better neighborhood surrounded by a higher class of people than me.

I just hate a rich, female dog, don’t you?