This just in: Men, like chimps, are evolving

Kelly Kazek

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January 16, 2010

By Kelly Kazek The News Courier Sat Jan 16, 2010, 03:48 PM CST

Ladies, what you are about to read may disturb you: Scientists believe men are becoming more evolved and — hold onto your Spanx — may be becoming more evolved than women.

Yes, some researchers studying the Y chromosome discovered, contrary to the evidence before them, men are not devolving their way into extinction via Will Ferrell movies and Miller High Life.

While I admit the Associated Press story did initially have me discombobulated, a couple of things restored my confidence that females are and always will be superior beings.

The first is that the study was not conducted on human males but on the Y chromosome found in chimpanzees. The scientists’ reasoning was that chimps are the closest cousins to men genetically.

Well, sure.

Have you ever heard of a chimp who was able to bake cupcakes for 25 kindergartners, drive a carload of kids to soccer practice, find a child’s ballet shoes minutes before a recital, all while protecting the perfect mani-pedi?

On the flip side, it’s likely you have seen a chimp scratching his nether regions, burping, and holding out his finger for someone to pull.

So any potential evolution going on here still leaves men miles behind women, as far as I can see.

The other thing that relieved my mind of any thoughts that men are evolving is that I work in the news business and, in this line of work, we never run out of proof that men are, well, boneheads and women rule the world.

One of the best indicators of this was last week’s report that Rod Blagojevich, the helmet-headed and disgraced governor of Illinois, stated that he is “blacker” than Barack Obama because he used to shine shoes as a kid.

Alrighty then.

Rod, babe, you are a walking poster boy for evolution, hairy knuckles and all.

Here are some other examples of evolved men:

• A Florida man was arrested after he called 911 three times to tell the operator people were shooting at him. Of course, when police found out what he really wanted was a ride from one bar to another because he was too drunk to drive, they arrested him. He didn’t go quietly, though. When he found out he was going with the po-po and not for more partying, the 37-year-old kicked an officer and had to be Tasered into submission.

• A New Orleans dad decided to have a little fun with motorists on Interstate 12 so he tied his 12-year-old daughter’s hands and duct-taped her mouth so he could watch the startled expressions of drivers as they noticed what appeared to be a kidnapping. But smart motorists boxed in his pickup truck and called police, who arrested him.

On the upside, the little girl got to brag to her friends at school the next day that she has the Fun Dad.

• In Houston, the best man at a wedding pulled a gun at a reception and started shooting.

Seems he decided to rob the disc jockey who was likely preoccupied with spinning “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” in honor of the bride.

The suspect, however, has not been caught.

The reason? The groom, who just happens to be male filled with Y chromosomes, told investigators he hardly knew the guy who was his best man.

He claimed the armed bandit was a last-minute replacement he met playing basketball.

Makes sense — in Guy World.

So, ladies, looks like we have nothing to fear — except Blagojevich’s upcoming stint on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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Kelly Kazek

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This just in: Men, like chimps, are evolving

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