Sharing adventures in middle-aged dating

Kelly Kazek

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December 24, 2009

Anonymous The News Courier Thu Dec 24, 2009, 09:22 AM CST

This one’s for all the single ladies …

Y’all know I don’t write much about my dating life and here’s why — I don’t have one.

At least I didn’t until I got into a steady, long-term relationship a few weeks weeks ago.

Sure, it seems sudden and you’re probably wondering how well I really know this guy.

I appreciate your concern. Really.

But he tells me he doesn’t have a criminal record, so …

In this day and age, we women can’t be too careful about whom we date, especially those of us who are old enough to use phrases like “in this day and age.”

I saw some old friends from high school over Thanksgiving weekend and a few, recently divorced, were discussing their adventures in dating.

I didn’t have much to contribute, unless you count the fact that I’d been propositioned via an eight-page letter whose return address was “Alabama Department of Corrections.”

Any-hoo, some of my friends have joined dating sites like match.com and were telling me about their experiences.

Turns out Laurie may be the only woman in history to be matched with a deaf Episcopalian on a Jewish dating site.

Another friend was matched with a man who had done a very amateurish job of Photoshopping his head onto a body that looked like a 22-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger. Doesn’t he realize if they ever meet in person, someone’s going to notice his head is now attached to Larry the Cable Guy’s body?

I did have one dating experience a few summers ago that I will share as a cautionary tale. A guy I used to know contacted me out of the blue and asked me to go kayaking.

It sounded like fun so, in my infinite ignorance, I said yes.

It apparently wasn’t a date so much as a test to see if I was outdoorsy enough for his tastes. I could have saved us both a heap of trouble with one phrase: I don’t do poison ivy.

So here is where I can give some advice to the single guys out there:

1. Unless she is under 30, it is not a good idea to take a woman to a place on a first date where she has to wear a bathing suit, even if you are trying to see what she’s hiding under her Spanx. I’m just sayin.’

And 2. Never, under any circumstances, take a woman on a first date to a place where there is no bathroom.

I cannot begin to stress this enough.

I assumed we would be arriving at some little rustic cabin at the beginning of the kayak trail with a snack machine containing expired Snowballs, a large-mouth bass mounted on the wall and a filthy, disease-bearing but usable toilet.

That, it turns out, would have been heaven.

Instead, we pulled up to this place best described as, well, some bushes.

About eight couples got out of their trucks and started putting kayaks into the water. One of the other women kindly told me I should “use the bushes” then because the trip would last eight hours.

It’s amazing how a sense of utter panic can stimulate your bladder.

Long story short: I survived.

I only flipped my kayak once, losing a sandal in the process, and got minor sunburn.

Finally, the trail ended and we scrambled back to the truck.

How was I doing, bathroom-wise?

Let’s just say the ride back in the truck was bumpy and I was wet and shivering. You figure it out.

This incident led me to a conclusion I thought I would never have to verbalize: I love indoor plumbing.

I can’t describe to you how much I love indoor plumbing.

A date like that could make you think twice about the guy who writes from an Alabama prison and tells you he “looks like Johnny Depp, only taller” and who wants to take you off into the sunset on the back of his Harley.

Hmmm.

Wonder when his parole hearing is …

You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.cmo

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