By Kelly Kazek
Sometimes the pressure you people put on me is a tad overwhelming.
First, you expect a column every week and then, each holiday season, you look to me for gift ideas. Did it ever occur to anyone I’m busy with my own life?
No? Well, you’re right.
I’ve got nothing better to do so here is my third annual Christmas gift guide:
Remember last year, when I first told you about squirrel-foot earrings, the jewelry made from real stuffed-and-fluffed rodent feet?
This year, the business Loved To Death, which claims its taxidermied animals died naturally — or via pickup truck — prior to becoming jewelry, is selling a similar item that you should consider if your girlfriend, wife or mother already owns a pair of squirrel-foot earrings. You can get a lovely pair of prairie-dog-foot earrings, complete with casket-shaped gift box, for only $75.
If anyone out there is shopping for me, I personally prefer the muskrat mandible earrings — mainly because I love alliteration, and because the muskrat teeth still attached to the shiny black mandibles are coated in 24-karat gold. Only $75 a pair, and perfect for an elegant evening on the town.
Before ordering, keep in mind this disclaimer on the Web site: “Loved To Death will assume no responsibility if you purchase an item prohibited in your state, province or country and it is seized.”
Alrighty then.
If you are gifting a person who is less enthusiastic about wearing animals and more apt to ingest them, you might consider purchasing the Christmas-ham-flavored soft drink from Jones Soda Co. or, for all the vegetarians on your list, the Tofurky® Soda that was introduced this year. Jonessoda.com states that the Tofurky Soda is “best served with mashed potatoes,” but I recommend serving with a trashcan or other proper barf receptacle.
The Christmas Ham Soda gift pack also includes a Christmas Tree Soda, an Egg Nog Soda and Sugar Plum Soda. A Chanukah package includes Latke Soda, Apple Sauce Soda, Chocolate Coins Soda and Jelly Doughnut Soda, plus a “completely functional dreidel.” This option is “certified kosher.”
While we’re still on the subject of food, here’s a gadget that will appeal to the Japanese friends on your list. Due to the popularity of a diet called The Morning Banana, the Japanese often face a banana shortage and apparently have become so addicted to the fruits that they feel the urge to peel one, even when none are available.
Who am I to judge? The heart wants what the heart wants.
So a company called Epoch created the Endless Banana. This gadget simulates the feel of peeling a banana. The makers hired a famous Japanese voice actress to make a fake noise that accompanies the peeling of the fake banana.
Hmmm. Next time, I’ll have to listen more closely when peeling a banana. I never learned this noise on my Fisher Price See ’n Say but I’m pretty sure it does not sound like a Japanese woman.
Next on our list of the year’s top gift ideas is the animatronic deer head that sings “Sweet Home Alabama,” and several other classic rock and country songs. The reason I am listing this gift, besides the fact that no one in this state can keep his mouth shut when he hears the words, “Turn it up …,” is because Buck comes with a microphone so you can sing along with him and, well, this is getting personal now, I have always wanted to sing “Suspicious Minds” to a fake deer head.
Sometimes dreams do come true.
Any family who likes the singing stag head will love this next item: Tattoos for babies.
These FDA–approved temporary tattoos include images of a baby carriage painted with flames, a rose with thorns and, of course, a heart with the word “Mom” inside.
Awww. I can just imagine the family Christmas photo taken next to the motorized beer cooler.
It warms my heart.
If the people on your list prefer more upscale gifts, this one shows water really is our most precious resource.
Sucked straight from a spring beneath the Smokey Mountains in Tennessee, Bling H20 comes in a bottle decorated with Swarovski crystals. It can be yours for only $2,600.
Don’t look back. I counted the zeroes correctly.
Look, I know you are accustomed to buying a 48-pack of bottled water for $3.99 over at the Piggly Wiggly, but as Bling’s Web site states: “This life giver is certainly not getting a good deal with all the pollution, abuse of water resources and of course with all the careless usage of water. Thus, one needs to know its value and how luxurious a drop of water can be when there is a dearth of it.”
Doesn’t that make you want to buy this water and take care of it?
Hire a Doberman to guard it?
Tuck it in at night?
Whoever wrote that load of crap and still manages to sell water for $2,600 a bottle when there’s plenty of it right in your own toilet is the best PR person in history. That’s something to keep in mind if Tiger Woods is on your gift list.
Unless, of course, you already bought him a windshield repair kit or a copy of “The Idiot’s Guide to Safe Sexting.”
I’m just sayin’.
