It’s that time of year — you know, the time when you faithful readers expect a mushy, tear-jerker of a column just in time for the holidays.?Yep, as if a Christmas movie featuring Dolly Parton stranded in a cabin with a bunch of orphans isn’t enough, many people look to me to be their own personal Hallmark Christmas commercial.?I am always happy to oblige, although y’all know it is not always easy to switch gears from my usual happy-go-lucky self to sappy and emotional.?These are the types of sacrifices I make for you.?Sigh.?So this year I decided to tell all of you what I am most thankful for.
Here goes:?• Hugh Jackman. Boy, am I thankful for Hugh Jackman. If the sight of that man without his shirt doesn’t bring tears to your eyes, I don’t know what will.?• One slightly undercooked squash casserole meant I was placed on the permanent veggie tray list for the family Thanksgiving dinner.
• So, I forget the veggie tray once — one time — and this is what I was told this year: “Just bring yourself.” I am truly grateful (and so is everyone else).?• I am thankful for the hippopotamus song. Since merchants start playing Christmas music before Halloween these days, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” is perfect when you get tired of that longing for home, winter wonderland slop. Plus, any songwriter who can rhyme “rhinoceroses” and “hippopotamuses” is genius. ?• Despite numerous shortages announced — pumpkin, Eggos, even potentially and tragically chocolate — Milk Duds are still plentiful.
• I am grateful someone finally invented blankets with sleeves. Life was so much harder when we had to reach out from under the blanket to get to our Hershey Kisses. I’m glad my daughter has access to Slankets and Snuggies, and is protected from the hardships I had to endure, like a childhood without computers and chocolate-covered bacon on a stick.
• I am thankful I am poor, overweight and single this holiday season. I would be so miserable being one of those AIG execs, getting taxpayer bonuses for driving the business into the ground. What is left for them to strive for?
I have nowhere to go but up.?The No. 1 thing I am thankful for this year is a daughter who knows how to touch her mother’s heart.?Shannon recently complimented an outfit I was wearing, saying: “You’re pretty fashionable — for a mom.”?If only she could have stopped three words sooner, it would have been one of those memorable, Hallmark-type moments.?You know, the ones that bring tears to your eyes for all the right reasons.?Oh, well, I’ll always have Hugh.
Sigh.
Kelly Kazek
The things I am thankful for this year
- Kelly Kazek
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What are smart phones really planning?
You may think I still use eight-track cassettes and BETA tapes, too, but, no, it’s only with phones that I draw the line. I have my reasons. Hear me out.
- Twinkies need government bailout
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Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
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Surreal episode irks orchestra director
When the iPhone’s common ringtone, which is supposed to sound like that well-known musical instrument the marimba, went off during a performance of the New York Philharmonic last Tuesday, the conductor was highly irked, incensed and rankled, or in philharmonic terms, seriously cheesed.
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Lucy smarter than the average dog
I was thinking perhaps I should give Lucy one of those doggie IQ tests. You know, the ones in which you place a ball under a blanket and see if your dog is smart enough to find it?
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Having daughter home from college an experience
During Shannon’s first long visit home at Thanksgiving, I realized we were having a communication problem, namely she doesn’t think she has to communicate what time she’ll be home at night.
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A single mom’s dream before Christmas
Note: This column by Kelly Kazek was initially published Christmas Eve 2006 in The News Courier.
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It's here: Annual Guide to Seriously Weird Christmas Gifts
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do. But do not read this column!
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Dieter's blue plate includes Cookie Monster cupcake
Finally, after all these years I have learned the excuse, er, reason for my weight gain: my plate.
No, it’s not a metal one in my head. Like I haven’t heard that before. -
Most wonderful time can be dangerous
After reading about the dastardly deeds committed so far this year in the name of peace on earth, I am starting a petition to send to Santa. I am asking him to change his list categories from “naughty” and “nice” to “naughty,” “nice enough,” “purty good,” and “too stupid to be wasting Rudolph’s oxygen.”
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