Shannon said to me Friday afternoon, “Hmm. That’s weird. It’s like mother-daughter day or something.”
I looked at her like her blonde roots were showing. “And what time is everyone going to see ‘New Moon’?”
“Well, Lauren is going to the 9 o’clock show with her mom. Britney and her mom are going at 10.”
The light bulb still wasn’t going off.
“It’s mother-daughter day because mamas are using their teen daughters as reasons to go see ‘New Moon’ so we don’t look perverted,” I told her.
(Don’t judge. It’s not like women are the only ones who do this. My mom needed only to look at the poster of Raquel Welch in a loincloth to see why my dad volunteered to take my brother and me to see “One Million Years BC,” when I was a kid).
Shannon and I had tickets for Friday’s midnight showing of “New Moon,” the only one that wasn’t sold out.
I hadn’t seen 2 a.m. since I had to get up to let out the puppy Shannon was training.
This was the kind of sacrifice we mothers have to be willing to make for our daughters.
But if I have to be honest, I’ll admit that, yes, somewhere along the line, I joined the “Twi-hards,” fans of the “Twilight” series‚ vampire/werewolf/love stories.
Having read the books, I knew what happened in this second installment. But I was compelled to see the film version that stars many delicious, er, talented young actors. Shannon’s presence would make a good smokescreen for those mean-spirited people who like to refer to middle-aged women watching young men with hard bodies as “deviant.”
I’m insulted.
We defy the definition of deviant if millions of us are doing it, right?
I’m just sayin.’
Besides, most of the boys in that movie are of legal age in real life.
The main reason women love the “Twilight” books and movies — as any of us will tell you — is the romance.
What could be hotter than having a guy who can never die, whose chiseled face and rock-hard abs will never turn to fluffernutter, who has super strength and whose life’s mission is to protect you, who pledges undying devotion and looks at you with intense expressions all day long? OK, that last part could get a little annoying.
In fact, if I ever find a vampire of my own, I want one who lives in his own house. Knowing he was sitting on the side of my bed all night watching me sleep would turn from romantic to creepy in, say, three, four years.
And I am soooo not a night person, so there’s another conflict.
On the upside, I would look really tan next to a vamp.
But “New Moon” has many fans turning from Team Edward to join Team Jacob, the boy who becomes a hot werewolf (The word “hot” is used SCIENTIFICALLY to refer to his 110-degree body temp) in this second film.
Jacob is just as devoted to our heroine and warm and cuddly as a new pup — you could practically see his tail wagging in some scenes (AGAIN with the dirty minds?)
As long as he’s house trained, he sounds pretty romantic to some women.
Especially some of us, um, more mature women. The skin of a vampire is ice cold and I personally value having warm tootsies at night, so I’m thinking he’d have to sleep elsewhere — until the hot flashes start, anyway.
Then a vamp cold pack might come in handy.
I’m just sayin.’
Kelly Kazek
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Kelly Kazek
Discussion
Vamps may just be perfect mates
- Kelly Kazek
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Each generation contends with struggles
This generation of young people thinks art appreciation is LOLing at Google Doodles. They don’t know dictionaries and encyclopedias were items you used to have to actually hold on your laptop, and they could be really heavy.
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Whoever said it, it's still true
It’s a great feeling to have a daughter who holds a job, keeps her grades up, manages her own money and still takes time for fun with friends in a healthy balance. After she sat on the sofa during high school and watched two seasons of “The Jersey Shore,” I wasn’t so sure.
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Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
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I was proud to be part of it
I am proud to serve on the committee that is helping make the memorial a reality and I wanted to thank everyone who was instrumental in the plan.
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In Athens, Ala., grease is the word ...
I think the festival is a great idea. On that day, we can unabashedly show our love for all things Southern, as well as all things Greek. That means we can eat fried macaroni-and-cheese bites while wearing togas, which, if twisted just right, can be very slimming. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
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Most of us have no choice about work
I think our system has devolved to the point that all politicians, and by extension their families, are so wealthy they can’t truly have an understanding of the lives of ordinary people.
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I won! I won! I won! I won!
I made a decision a long time ago that I do not wish to win mega-millions. Nope, I’ll earn mine the old fashioned way: One sweat-stained penny at a time. I should reach a million by the time I’m, say, 142.
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If you’re stupid and you know it, clap your hands
And as the saying goes, “Ignorance of your own stupidity is probably a good thing,” or something like that.
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Imagine bringing own toilet paper to work
Humor writers rarely have the occasion to hear four sweeter words than “great toilet paper debacle,” but in the case of Trenton, N.J., a recent incident is more of a cause for sadness and reflection than ridicule and laughter.
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Machines don't understand Southern accents
... they are either not programmed to understand the subtleties of the Southern accent, or they’re programmed to drive us to therapy.
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