Vamps may just be perfect mates

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November 22, 2009

By Kelly Kazek The News Courier Sun Nov 22, 2009, 08:10 AM CST

Shannon said to me Friday afternoon, “Hmm. That’s weird. It’s like mother-daughter day or something.”

I looked at her like her blonde roots were showing. “And what time is everyone going to see ‘New Moon’?”

“Well, Lauren is going to the 9 o’clock show with her mom. Britney and her mom are going at 10.”

The light bulb still wasn’t going off.

“It’s mother-daughter day because mamas are using their teen daughters as reasons to go see ‘New Moon’ so we don’t look perverted,” I told her.

(Don’t judge. It’s not like women are the only ones who do this. My mom needed only to look at the poster of Raquel Welch in a loincloth to see why my dad volunteered to take my brother and me to see “One Million Years BC,” when I was a kid).

Shannon and I had tickets for Friday’s midnight showing of “New Moon,” the only one that wasn’t sold out.

I hadn’t seen 2 a.m. since I had to get up to let out the puppy Shannon was training.

This was the kind of sacrifice we mothers have to be willing to make for our daughters.

But if I have to be honest, I’ll admit that, yes, somewhere along the line, I joined the “Twi-hards,” fans of the “Twilight” series‚ vampire/werewolf/love stories.

Having read the books, I knew what happened in this second installment. But I was compelled to see the film version that stars many delicious, er, talented young actors. Shannon’s presence would make a good smokescreen for those mean-spirited people who like to refer to middle-aged women watching young men with hard bodies as “deviant.”

I’m insulted.

We defy the definition of deviant if millions of us are doing it, right?

I’m just sayin.’

Besides, most of the boys in that movie are of legal age in real life.

The main reason women love the “Twilight” books and movies — as any of us will tell you — is the romance.

What could be hotter than having a guy who can never die, whose chiseled face and rock-hard abs will never turn to fluffernutter, who has super strength and whose life’s mission is to protect you, who pledges undying devotion and looks at you with intense expressions all day long? OK, that last part could get a little annoying.

In fact, if I ever find a vampire of my own, I want one who lives in his own house. Knowing he was sitting on the side of my bed all night watching me sleep would turn from romantic to creepy in, say, three, four years.

And I am soooo not a night person, so there’s another conflict.

On the upside, I would look really tan next to a vamp.

But “New Moon” has many fans turning from Team Edward to join Team Jacob, the boy who becomes a hot werewolf (The word “hot” is used SCIENTIFICALLY to refer to his 110-degree body temp) in this second film.

Jacob is just as devoted to our heroine and warm and cuddly as a new pup — you could practically see his tail wagging in some scenes (AGAIN with the dirty minds?)

As long as he’s house trained, he sounds pretty romantic to some women.

Especially some of us, um, more mature women. The skin of a vampire is ice cold and I personally value having warm tootsies at night, so I’m thinking he’d have to sleep elsewhere — until the hot flashes start, anyway.

Then a vamp cold pack might come in handy.

I’m just sayin.’

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