By Kelly Kazek
Remember those commercials that showed us how our brains on drugs might look — you know, the egg sizzling in a frying pan?
The problem is, some people’s brains were already fried BEFORE using illegal substances.
So they just jumped from the frying pan into the stupid sauce.
This is the type of column you might show your preteen or teen and say, “Could you aim just a little higher? Please?”
Well, maybe “higher” is not the right word. But you know what I mean.
It is the type of column that screams, like the animated pothole in the Geico commercial: “Oh, no-o-o-o! These people got no smarts. They’re all stupid and junk. So-o-o-o … ‘K, ‘bye!”
Here’s a sample headline: “Man calls 911 to report stolen pot.”
Y’all know I’m not talking about a saucepot.
The Gainesville, Fla., man called to report the theft, at gunpoint, of his wacky tobaccy, his Maui wowie, his happy weed.
The 22-year-old told Alachua County deputies that he was robbed at 2:45 a.m. while he was sitting on his couch, listening to music, drinking a beer and smoking a joint. He reported two men kicked in his door and hit him on the head with a gun before taking his cash and “his personal smoking weed.”
While a life of sofa-sitting and rocking out may seem fun, even exotic, to your teen or preteen, emphasize the part about the guy ending up covered in stupid sauce -- and behind bars.
This, tell them, is a half-baked brain on mary jane.
And, I don’t mean to alarm you, we have our share of stupeys right here in Alabama.
Last week, a guy in Falkville was merrily weaving along in his pick-‘em-up truck when he was pulled over by officers on suspicion of drink driving.
When officers approached, the driver, unsolicited, stumbled from his truck and yelled “I just stole this truck.”
It just makes you want to gently take his face in your hands and say, “Bless your little stupid heart.”
But as chemically induced confessions go, one of the best came from a Wisconsin woman who recently called 911 to say, “Oh no-o-o-o. I‘m all drunk and junk.”
Kidding.
Here’s what she really said, according to the 911 recording:
Dispatcher: “You behind them?”
Drunk driver: “No, I am them.”
Dispatcher: “You am them?”
Driver: “Yes, I am them.”
Dispatcher: “OK, so you want to call and report you’re driving drunk?”
Driver: “Yes.”
Dispatcher: “Are you still driving right now? You want to stop driving before you get in an accident.”
Driver: “Yes, I will stop.”
According to a Wisconsin television station, the Granton woman, 49, was driving home from a bar before midnight on a Saturday night when she called 911 to report a drunk driver — her own self. Following the 911 call, police found her parked on the side of the road. She told officers she had seven or eight brandy and Cokes but I think she had taken a bath in stupid sauce.
Police arrested the woman, and as the squad car drove out of sight, she could be heard exclaiming in a country twang, “So-o-o-o-o … ‘K, ‘bye!”
That‘s the way I like to remember her, anyway.
Bless her little stupid heart.
