By Kelly Kazek
We in the newsroom are not the types to joke about someone’s misfortune.
I mean, y’all know I try not to judge, right?
But it’s not every day you hear a dispatcher tell officers to hurry to Elm Street where a man is swerving down the road driving his motorized wheelchair.
It can be hard to keep your dignity about you, especially when you hear the follow-up: “Caller said he’s throwing beer cans on the side of the road.”
We’re not completely heartless — we did mutter “bless his heart” once he’d been safely pulled over and disarmed of beer cans.
About a week later, we heard a report of someone driving a handicapped shopping scooter through a parking lot while intoxicated.
We never heard the outcome of these reports. I couldn’t tell you if the drivers were arrested or got off with a warning.
But I can tell you instructors leave out a very important piece of information at driving school: Anything with a motor becomes a motorized vehicle if you drive it on the road.
Sure, everyone knows if you’re caught drinking and driving a car, you will be arrested.
But has anyone ever warned you not to consume liquid refreshment before driving a lounge chair?
Apparently, no one warned a guy in Minnesota either — he was busted for driving his La-Z-Boy after imbibing eight or nine beers, according to the Associated Press last week.
How did he get caught?
He crashed his recliner into a parked car.
That sentence alone apparently caused police to think, “Hmmm. Reckon maybe if some alcohol was involved.”
After a test, authorities discovered the driver’s blood alcohol content was .29.
The chair, which had a stereo and cup holders — what would a motorized vehicle be without those? — was equipped with a lawn mower engine.
But wait … there’s more:
• In 2008, a New York man was arrested after swerving on his motorized, three-wheeled “Cruzin Cooler” beer chest. The man, whose nickname, surprisingly, was “Bomber,” was swerving along, sitting atop the cooler containing 14 beers, when police stopped him, according to msnbc.com.
• An Ohio man was charged with driving under the influence after a friend called 911 and told the dispatcher: “I got a friend who wrecked a bar stool.”
The dispatcher, oddly enough, thought he broke a stool in a brawl.
“Um, no, he was riding the bar stool … a motorized bar stool,” the friend replied.
Here’s where the dispatcher likely thought, “Hmmm. Reckon maybe if some alcohol might have been involved.”
The man had attached a motor to a bar stool and he “drove” it after he consumed 15 beers, according to police.
He requested a jury trial.
Well, sure.
He wants a jury of his peers to judge his actions — problem is, it’s hard to make up a jury of people who put motors on bar stools.
The people they do find probably aren’t going to think he was driving his bar stool to Bible study, not when it fits so well beneath the counter of Ye Ole Waterin’ Hole Pub and Bar Stool Repair.
In fact a jury is probably going to think what I did: This guy’s hit his head on a few parked cars too many.
So here’s a little unsolicited advice to drivers of all things motorized. Firstly, drinking and driving is pretty stupid — especially when you can drink and sit in front of the TV wearing ratty sweats and bunny slippers.
Secondly, don’t drive items that scream, “I have been drinking,” such as … I don’t know … maybe a beer cooler and a bar stool.
When those commercials say “drink responsibly,” they mean drive something less flashy, like maybe a motorized church pew or confessional booth.
You’re less likely to get pulled over … plus, the guilt should help keep you sober.
I’m just sayin.’
