By Kelly Kazek
Sigh.
I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that my teen daughter has to teach me to text message and set up a Facebook page, but who would have guessed I would need her help navigating the grocery aisles?
Y’all know I’m really hip, right, although I’m not sure what the latest word for “hip” is. Still, I keep y’all up to date on fashion trends, pop culture fads and the latest music, but I only recently realized I am out of touch with the foodies of the world.
Ever since every restaurant in the universe started selling items made with the unpronounceable and indefinable chipotle sauce, I’ve tuned out food trends.
So I was caught unawares when I sent Shannon to the grocery store the other day, I asked her for some of these little cups of sugar-free Jello. It’s my small attempt at cutting back and there is no need to remind me that if I eat 10 cups in one sitting, coated in whipped topping, I have entirely defeated the purpose. I know, OK? That’s why I have it with Diet Coke.
Anyhoo, Shannon called from the refrigerated section of the store to tell me she could not find my favorite flavor.
“But they have strawberry kiwi with antioxidants,” she offered.
“Nah. We already have plenty of carpet cleaner,” I told her.
“No, Mom,” she said slowly, as if speaking to a newborn three-toed sloth. “An-ti-ox-i-dants. They’re good for you. They help protect you from free radicals.”
Fear stuck in my throat. “There are South American guerillas in the store?”
Shannon sighed as only a 16 year old can. “Listen closely, Mom. We just learned this in school. Free radicals are molecules and when cells accumulate free radical damage, it causes aging. So antioxidants help slow aging.”
Well. Anti-aging. I guess I could use me some of that.
“Buy a dozen packs and get on home before someone in camouflage starts shooting.”
I heard another sigh before she hung up.
Antioxidants. Who knew? Whatever happened to those oatmeal facials my mom used when I was a teen?
I guess I’m going to have to buy “Grocery Shopping for Dummies,” but the book would likely be out of date before I could read the first chapter.
Sure, some forward-thinking bartender likely knew the mojito would be the new Cosmopolitan, but who would have imagined chocolate-covered bacon on a stick would take the place of cotton candy at carnivals?
OK, I know that sounds almost as close to Southern heaven as chocolate-covered pork rinds or Vienna-sausage-flavored truffles but when gourmet chocolatiers get in on the act and start selling $60 boxes of meat-flavored candy, I draw the line.
One Japanese company even sells garlic flavored chocolate. Y’all know I am all about some chocolate, right? But the only way I am going near garlic-flavored chocolate is if Hugh Jackman’s mouth is nibbling one end. Of the chocolate.
I’m just sayin.’
You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com. Pick up a copy of her book “Fairly Odd Mother” at Pablo’s on Market.
