Sigh.
I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that my teen daughter has to teach me to text message and set up a Facebook page, but who would have guessed I would need her help navigating the grocery aisles?
Y’all know I’m really hip, right, although I’m not sure what the latest word for “hip” is. Still, I keep y’all up to date on fashion trends, pop culture fads and the latest music, but I only recently realized I am out of touch with the foodies of the world.
Ever since every restaurant in the universe started selling items made with the unpronounceable and indefinable chipotle sauce, I’ve tuned out food trends.
So I was caught unawares when I sent Shannon to the grocery store the other day, I asked her for some of these little cups of sugar-free Jello. It’s my small attempt at cutting back and there is no need to remind me that if I eat 10 cups in one sitting, coated in whipped topping, I have entirely defeated the purpose. I know, OK? That’s why I have it with Diet Coke.
Anyhoo, Shannon called from the refrigerated section of the store to tell me she could not find my favorite flavor.
“But they have strawberry kiwi with antioxidants,” she offered.
“Nah. We already have plenty of carpet cleaner,” I told her.
“No, Mom,” she said slowly, as if speaking to a newborn three-toed sloth. “An-ti-ox-i-dants. They’re good for you. They help protect you from free radicals.”
Fear stuck in my throat. “There are South American guerillas in the store?”
Shannon sighed as only a 16 year old can. “Listen closely, Mom. We just learned this in school. Free radicals are molecules and when cells accumulate free radical damage, it causes aging. So antioxidants help slow aging.”
Well. Anti-aging. I guess I could use me some of that.
“Buy a dozen packs and get on home before someone in camouflage starts shooting.”
I heard another sigh before she hung up.
Antioxidants. Who knew? Whatever happened to those oatmeal facials my mom used when I was a teen?
I guess I’m going to have to buy “Grocery Shopping for Dummies,” but the book would likely be out of date before I could read the first chapter.
Sure, some forward-thinking bartender likely knew the mojito would be the new Cosmopolitan, but who would have imagined chocolate-covered bacon on a stick would take the place of cotton candy at carnivals?
OK, I know that sounds almost as close to Southern heaven as chocolate-covered pork rinds or Vienna-sausage-flavored truffles but when gourmet chocolatiers get in on the act and start selling $60 boxes of meat-flavored candy, I draw the line.
One Japanese company even sells garlic flavored chocolate. Y’all know I am all about some chocolate, right? But the only way I am going near garlic-flavored chocolate is if Hugh Jackman’s mouth is nibbling one end. Of the chocolate.
I’m just sayin.’
You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com. Pick up a copy of her book “Fairly Odd Mother” at Pablo’s on Market.
Kelly Kazek
Chocolate-covered pork rinds, anyone?
- Kelly Kazek
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What are smart phones really planning?
You may think I still use eight-track cassettes and BETA tapes, too, but, no, it’s only with phones that I draw the line. I have my reasons. Hear me out.
- Twinkies need government bailout
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Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
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Surreal episode irks orchestra director
When the iPhone’s common ringtone, which is supposed to sound like that well-known musical instrument the marimba, went off during a performance of the New York Philharmonic last Tuesday, the conductor was highly irked, incensed and rankled, or in philharmonic terms, seriously cheesed.
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Lucy smarter than the average dog
I was thinking perhaps I should give Lucy one of those doggie IQ tests. You know, the ones in which you place a ball under a blanket and see if your dog is smart enough to find it?
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Having daughter home from college an experience
During Shannon’s first long visit home at Thanksgiving, I realized we were having a communication problem, namely she doesn’t think she has to communicate what time she’ll be home at night.
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A single mom’s dream before Christmas
Note: This column by Kelly Kazek was initially published Christmas Eve 2006 in The News Courier.
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It's here: Annual Guide to Seriously Weird Christmas Gifts
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do. But do not read this column!
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Dieter's blue plate includes Cookie Monster cupcake
Finally, after all these years I have learned the excuse, er, reason for my weight gain: my plate.
No, it’s not a metal one in my head. Like I haven’t heard that before. -
Most wonderful time can be dangerous
After reading about the dastardly deeds committed so far this year in the name of peace on earth, I am starting a petition to send to Santa. I am asking him to change his list categories from “naughty” and “nice” to “naughty,” “nice enough,” “purty good,” and “too stupid to be wasting Rudolph’s oxygen.”
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$25B Settlement Reached Over Foreclosure Abuses
Pentagon: Allow Women Closer to Front Lines
Obama Gives Education Waivers to 10 States
Giffords Aide to Run for Her Seat
LA School in Sex Abuse Scandal Reopens
Winter Slamming North Asia, Parts of Europe
Syrian Forces Renew Bombardment of Homs
States, Banks Reach Foreclosure-abuse Settlement
Raw Video: Italy's Mount Etna Bursts Into Life
Greeks March; Angry Despite Debt Deal
Raw Video: U.S. Pullout Celebration
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