By Kelly Kazek
Y’all know I try hard not to judge.
Really I do.
The problem with this lofty goal is that guys keep throwing up roadblocks.
Men are boneheads, and as a not so highly paid journalist, I feel I must call them on it.
OK, sorry, that was a blanket statement. Let’s try this: Men are boneheads when they come across a new toy, by which I mean anything that plugs in, uses batteries, has a remote, makes really cool zapping sounds, or is really, really shiny.
And if it leaves behind a slight burning smell, well, more’s the better.
I know this kind of column makes my friends nervous (“What guy is gonna want to date her now?”) but I tell them not to worry: As a general rule, boneheads don’t know they’re boneheads and, thus, won’t know this column is about them.
It’s one of those protective delusion-type things, sort of like how the governor of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford tells himself he has a “greater voice” in the government now that the scandal of his Argentinian lover gave him more press.
Anyhoo, I always like to back my claims of boneheadedness with evidence.
Exhibit One: Police officers Taser a 76-year-old man driving an antique tractor in the Deer Creek Days parade in Wyoming.
Here’s how this one likely went down:
Goober: “Did you see that, Ed Earl? That geezer on the tractor didn’t even heed my hand signal and he’s doing – what? – three, four miles per hour?”
Ed Earl: “What should we do, Goob?”
Goober, hitching up his gun belt and heading for the patrol car: “I’m goin’ after him.”
Ed Earl: “OK, but I don’t think you’ll need the car.”
Apparently after the officers “chased down” the errant tractor driver, he required a few shots from the stun gun to be brought into submission, and here’s why:
Goober: “Looks like he’s still struggling, Ed Earl.”
Ed Earl: “Ummm. I think he may be having a seizure.”
Goober: “Whatever. I have this here new Taser on my belt, fresh out of its plastic wrap. I tell you, he’s struggling.”
ZAP.
Ed Earl, with awe in his voice: “Wouldya look at that? You got him good.”
Goober: “Yeah, all but that one foot. See it twitching?”
Ed Earl: “I think he’s just twitching from …”
ZAP.
Ed Earl: “He kinda looks like a bass flopping on the dock. Reckon what would happen if …”
ZAP, ZAP.
Ed Earl: “Heck, this is fun. Look at the way his eyes are rolling back in his head. My turn. My turn.”
Goober: “Okay, Ed Earl, but don’t change the settings. I’ve got them just the way I like …”
ZAP.
And that is why Tasers are truly dangerous weapons – to the public.
It’s a proven scientific fact that guys cannot have a gadget in their possession without using it.
Need another example?
Alrighty then. Here’s one from last week when police in a Mississippi town received call law officers everywhere live in fear of.
That’s right: Emus darting through traffic on Interstate 20.
I can’t be sure how officers wrangled SUV-dodging emus in pre-Taser days – rope, tranquilizer darts, ‘Here, emu, emu?’ – but modern officers have that handy dandy jolt of reality on their belts so, naturally … ZAP.
Bless his little emu heart. He had to be squawking in a language only his feathered brethren could understand: “Don’t Tase me, bro. Don’t Tase me.”
The Associated Press story continues with the tidbit that the emu also was restrained with hand—claw? – cuffs.
Goober: “Ed Earl, I’ve got these shiny handcuffs I’ve never even gotten to use.”
Ed Earl: “Hmm, that emu’s still a little twitchy, if you ask me. Might be he’s resistin’.
Goober: “Resisting. Yeah, resisting. I like the way you thing Ed Earl.”
CLINK.
Ed Earl: “Reckon what’s that smell?”
Goober: “I don’t know, Ed Earl, but I’m craving me some fried chicken.”
Ed Earl: “Sounds good, but I’m driving. I haven’t got a chance to run the new siren yet.”
