Y’all know I try hard not to judge.
Really I do.
The problem with this lofty goal is that guys keep throwing up roadblocks.
Men are boneheads, and as a not so highly paid journalist, I feel I must call them on it.
OK, sorry, that was a blanket statement. Let’s try this: Men are boneheads when they come across a new toy, by which I mean anything that plugs in, uses batteries, has a remote, makes really cool zapping sounds, or is really, really shiny.
And if it leaves behind a slight burning smell, well, more’s the better.
I know this kind of column makes my friends nervous (“What guy is gonna want to date her now?”) but I tell them not to worry: As a general rule, boneheads don’t know they’re boneheads and, thus, won’t know this column is about them.
It’s one of those protective delusion-type things, sort of like how the governor of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford tells himself he has a “greater voice” in the government now that the scandal of his Argentinian lover gave him more press.
Anyhoo, I always like to back my claims of boneheadedness with evidence.
Exhibit One: Police officers Taser a 76-year-old man driving an antique tractor in the Deer Creek Days parade in Wyoming.
Here’s how this one likely went down:
Goober: “Did you see that, Ed Earl? That geezer on the tractor didn’t even heed my hand signal and he’s doing – what? – three, four miles per hour?”
Ed Earl: “What should we do, Goob?”
Goober, hitching up his gun belt and heading for the patrol car: “I’m goin’ after him.”
Ed Earl: “OK, but I don’t think you’ll need the car.”
Apparently after the officers “chased down” the errant tractor driver, he required a few shots from the stun gun to be brought into submission, and here’s why:
Goober: “Looks like he’s still struggling, Ed Earl.”
Ed Earl: “Ummm. I think he may be having a seizure.”
Goober: “Whatever. I have this here new Taser on my belt, fresh out of its plastic wrap. I tell you, he’s struggling.”
ZAP.
Ed Earl, with awe in his voice: “Wouldya look at that? You got him good.”
Goober: “Yeah, all but that one foot. See it twitching?”
Ed Earl: “I think he’s just twitching from …”
ZAP.
Ed Earl: “He kinda looks like a bass flopping on the dock. Reckon what would happen if …”
ZAP, ZAP.
Ed Earl: “Heck, this is fun. Look at the way his eyes are rolling back in his head. My turn. My turn.”
Goober: “Okay, Ed Earl, but don’t change the settings. I’ve got them just the way I like …”
ZAP.
And that is why Tasers are truly dangerous weapons – to the public.
It’s a proven scientific fact that guys cannot have a gadget in their possession without using it.
Need another example?
Alrighty then. Here’s one from last week when police in a Mississippi town received call law officers everywhere live in fear of.
That’s right: Emus darting through traffic on Interstate 20.
I can’t be sure how officers wrangled SUV-dodging emus in pre-Taser days – rope, tranquilizer darts, ‘Here, emu, emu?’ – but modern officers have that handy dandy jolt of reality on their belts so, naturally … ZAP.
Bless his little emu heart. He had to be squawking in a language only his feathered brethren could understand: “Don’t Tase me, bro. Don’t Tase me.”
The Associated Press story continues with the tidbit that the emu also was restrained with hand—claw? – cuffs.
Goober: “Ed Earl, I’ve got these shiny handcuffs I’ve never even gotten to use.”
Ed Earl: “Hmm, that emu’s still a little twitchy, if you ask me. Might be he’s resistin’.
Goober: “Resisting. Yeah, resisting. I like the way you thing Ed Earl.”
CLINK.
Ed Earl: “Reckon what’s that smell?”
Goober: “I don’t know, Ed Earl, but I’m craving me some fried chicken.”
Ed Earl: “Sounds good, but I’m driving. I haven’t got a chance to run the new siren yet.”
Kelly Kazek
Related Photos
-
Kelly Kazek
Discussion
Emu to officer: 'Don't tase me, bro'
- Kelly Kazek
-
-
What are smart phones really planning?
You may think I still use eight-track cassettes and BETA tapes, too, but, no, it’s only with phones that I draw the line. I have my reasons. Hear me out.
- Twinkies need government bailout
-
Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
-
Surreal episode irks orchestra director
When the iPhone’s common ringtone, which is supposed to sound like that well-known musical instrument the marimba, went off during a performance of the New York Philharmonic last Tuesday, the conductor was highly irked, incensed and rankled, or in philharmonic terms, seriously cheesed.
-
Lucy smarter than the average dog
I was thinking perhaps I should give Lucy one of those doggie IQ tests. You know, the ones in which you place a ball under a blanket and see if your dog is smart enough to find it?
-
Having daughter home from college an experience
During Shannon’s first long visit home at Thanksgiving, I realized we were having a communication problem, namely she doesn’t think she has to communicate what time she’ll be home at night.
-
A single mom’s dream before Christmas
Note: This column by Kelly Kazek was initially published Christmas Eve 2006 in The News Courier.
-
It's here: Annual Guide to Seriously Weird Christmas Gifts
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do. But do not read this column!
-
Dieter's blue plate includes Cookie Monster cupcake
Finally, after all these years I have learned the excuse, er, reason for my weight gain: my plate.
No, it’s not a metal one in my head. Like I haven’t heard that before. -
Most wonderful time can be dangerous
After reading about the dastardly deeds committed so far this year in the name of peace on earth, I am starting a petition to send to Santa. I am asking him to change his list categories from “naughty” and “nice” to “naughty,” “nice enough,” “purty good,” and “too stupid to be wasting Rudolph’s oxygen.”
- More Kelly Kazek Headlines
-
Denver's Largest-Ever Drug Bust Nets Dozens
Marines: No Punishment for Nazi-like Flag
Vets Look to Translate Military Skills Into Jobs
Expert: Removing LA School's Staff 'Appropriate'
Raw Video: School Bus Burst Into Flames
LA School Reopens Amid Sex Abuse Scandal
$25B Settlement Reached Over Foreclosure Abuses
Pentagon: Allow Women Closer to Front Lines
Obama Gives Education Waivers to 10 States
Giffords Aide to Run for Her Seat
LA School in Sex Abuse Scandal Reopens
Winter Slamming North Asia, Parts of Europe
Syrian Forces Renew Bombardment of Homs
States, Banks Reach Foreclosure-abuse Settlement
Raw Video: Italy's Mount Etna Bursts Into Life
Greeks March; Angry Despite Debt Deal
Raw Video: U.S. Pullout Celebration
Raw Video: Annual Empire State Building Run-Up
Man Killed in Courthouse Shootout
Air Force Airlines: Leaders Get Polished Service
