While I am known for my propensity for living on the edge — like raising a 16 year old, three cats and a cell-phone-and-hammer-eating beagle puppy all by my onesies — I do not typically do things that put my very life in jeopardy (unless you count the time I called my daughter Doodlebug and spit-combed her bangs in front of the entire sophomore class.)
But today I feel I must take this risk, not for myself, but for all Alabamians.
So here goes … boy, this is gonna hurt … I have to say: “Chuck Norris, keep your busyTotalGymbodied self out of Alabama politics. Just who do you think you are?”
Of course, if I am able to finish that first part before Super Chuck leaves me in a puddle on the floor with just his steely gaze, I may not add that last part. The reason? Mainly, I think Chuck knows who he is, as does anyone else in the world and especially those who have visited the Web site www.chucknorrisfacts.com.
While I am still able to stand, I will explain why the Chuckster has incurred my sizeable wrath: The most famous martial artist in the universe, a man who does not reside in nor have any known connection to our beloved state, has decided to wade smack dab into our murky political waters and endorse the infamous Ten Commandments Judge for governor.
That’s all we need. I support the Ten Commandments and all — I’ve probably only broken one or six. My problem with Hisonner Judgemental Roy Moore is not the fact that he fought to keep a Ten Commandments monument in the Alabama Supreme Court building. My problem with Roy Moore-al Superiority is that he was a judge who not only broke the law, he flaunted the fact that he did while passing judgment on others.
I feel the fact that Roy Moore does not believe rules apply to him make him an unfit candidate to lead our state.
I realize there are a few Alabamians, by which I mean three, who might want to vote for MooreTalkThanBrains for governor. That’s their right, however wrong.
My point is, Chucklehead Norris does not need to add his two cents to a political race in which he has no vote. He needs to worry about his ownself and keep his stumping in California, although I’m sure it’s not easy being a conservative Christian over on the left coast.
In fact, the Chuckmeister may be one of the few who can turn Hollywood around, or at least cause it to lean slightly more toward center, mainly because no one blackballs Chuck Norris and lives to tell about it.
I consider myself — politically at least — a centrist, having some liberal and some conservative beliefs. Most Americans probably fit into this category.
But living in a political system where there is no middle, it’s difficult to make the Powers that Be believe not everyone is only Right or Left.
I realize Chuck’s probably gonna have to hurt me now, so if you don’t see my column next week, you’ll know why.
But to get on his good side, here are a few “facts” from chucknorrisfacts.com (and trust me, I believe them):
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Oh, and, Chuck, if you’re reading this, I just ordered five Total Gyms and 10 copies of your latest book. Love ya, Babe. Mean it.
Kelly Kazek
You take that back, Chuck Norris! please?
- Kelly Kazek
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What are smart phones really planning?
You may think I still use eight-track cassettes and BETA tapes, too, but, no, it’s only with phones that I draw the line. I have my reasons. Hear me out.
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Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
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Surreal episode irks orchestra director
When the iPhone’s common ringtone, which is supposed to sound like that well-known musical instrument the marimba, went off during a performance of the New York Philharmonic last Tuesday, the conductor was highly irked, incensed and rankled, or in philharmonic terms, seriously cheesed.
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Lucy smarter than the average dog
I was thinking perhaps I should give Lucy one of those doggie IQ tests. You know, the ones in which you place a ball under a blanket and see if your dog is smart enough to find it?
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Having daughter home from college an experience
During Shannon’s first long visit home at Thanksgiving, I realized we were having a communication problem, namely she doesn’t think she has to communicate what time she’ll be home at night.
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A single mom’s dream before Christmas
Note: This column by Kelly Kazek was initially published Christmas Eve 2006 in The News Courier.
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It's here: Annual Guide to Seriously Weird Christmas Gifts
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do. But do not read this column!
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Dieter's blue plate includes Cookie Monster cupcake
Finally, after all these years I have learned the excuse, er, reason for my weight gain: my plate.
No, it’s not a metal one in my head. Like I haven’t heard that before. -
Most wonderful time can be dangerous
After reading about the dastardly deeds committed so far this year in the name of peace on earth, I am starting a petition to send to Santa. I am asking him to change his list categories from “naughty” and “nice” to “naughty,” “nice enough,” “purty good,” and “too stupid to be wasting Rudolph’s oxygen.”
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