By Kelly Kazek
Come on over, y’all, and give me some sugar.
Not THAT kind.
What are y’all, warped or something?
I’m talking about real sugar, the kind that comes from sugar cane and beets.
I need some extra because — you’re not going to believe this — confectioners are predicting a sugar shortage.
First, I hear the chocolate supply may drop by 30 percent. Now this?
I’m not sure how much my heart can take and if the government starts running health care, I’m betting “heart stopped by sugar shortage” does not count as a valid doctor’s excuse.
My main concern is not for myself, you understand.
I’m worried about all of humankind, but specifically Southerners.
We Southerners just cannot do without our sugar.
Who do you think created MoonPies and GooGoo Clusters?
Where do you think Coca-Cola was invented?
And without sweet iced tea, we’d all languish and die of thirst. Bodies would litter verandas across the South, where we breathed our last honeysuckle-scented breaths. Sorry about that — I went a little “Gone with the Wind” there for a minute.
I’m back.
Since I first had solid food spooned into my mouth, I cannot remember eating a meal without dessert. It made me what I am today – 30 pounds overweight. But some things in life are worth it.
I know some of you are likely thinking Alabamians could do with a little sugar shortage, since we now rank only behind Mississippians in the percentage of obese people.
I guess we could stand to cut back a little but I’m thinking of the big picture.
During a sugar shortage, weddings wouldn’t suffer so much, I guess. They could be postponed until the return of fondant icing, petit fours and those tiny pastel mints.
But what about funerals?
They can hardly be postponed indefinitely and we in the South cannot hold a proper funeral without at least half a dozen pecan pies, a couple of sweet tater casseroles, some nanner pudding, 10 or so congealed salads with canned fruit suspended in them, two peach cobblers and an eight-layer chocolate-strawberry trifle.
It just wouldn’t be fittin.’
In California, people manage with a handful of trail mix after their tofu dogs. In New York, a sugar-free yogurt suffices after a veggie burger.
I just can’t live that way, y’all. I’d rather be tied to a fire ant hill and covered in honey … or meringue, or whipped cream … is anyone else getting hungry?
Fortunately, representatives for the Sugar Growers Association say increased beet and cane production should keep the shortage from showing too much on the grocery shelves, according to CNN, Contentious News Network.
I hope they’re right.
If not, I have done my research and learned there are dozens of self-help Web sites out there for sugar addiction. Someone came up with the idea of actually not eating sweets. Who woulda thunk it?
I’ll do my best to adjust. After all, tomorrow is another day.
And as God is my witness, if I have to lie, cheat or steal MoonPies, I’ll never be sugar-free again.
