I know dads get busy teaching their children important stuff, like what happens when they pull your finger, how to belch the alphabet and how to shoot peas out their noses.
My very own daughter would not be able to list under “skills” on her resume “whistle into fists” and “recite ‘One bright morning in the middle of the night, two dead boys began to fight …’” if not for her grandfather.
Still, I feel one of the most important pieces of wisdom a father can impart these days — how to properly wear underpants – is being overlooked, and it’s showing, if you catch my meaning.
We all know which teens wear boxers and, Lord help us, which wear tighty whities — and not because we want to.
Of course, the obvious solution to this way-overdone trend is for all the over-70 men to start wearing their pants around their thighs rather than up around their chest areas and letting their Hanes hang out. Trust me, it would no longer be cool for the 20-and-under set.
I’m just sayin.’
Until that happens, I’m here to present my Redneck Father of the Year Award to the dad who not only neglected to have the How to Wear Underpants Properly talk with his son but encouraged poor underpants habits.
According to an Associated Press article, a 19-year-old was attending his 53-year-old uncle’s nuptials at an upscale Louisiana joint last month when he was asked by a police officer to adhere to the snazzy venue’s dress code, which apparently asked that underwear be worn, well, under something. The young man’s underwear was showing because his pants were drooping and the officer asked him to pull up his britches so’s his drawers didn’t show. The boy, who as we say in the South, warn’t raised right, refused.
Rather than threatening to take off his belt if he didn’t do as the police officer asked, the teen’s daddy, who was the groom’s brother, came to his son’s aid and backed his right to scandalize little old ladies with the sight of his unmentionables.
Being family, the groom also backed this right, a brawl ensued and the three men were arrested.
Awww. Don’t that warm your heart.
Wonder if the uncle was as happy to support the punk nephew when he spent his wedding night in jail.
But wait. I’m not finished talking about underwear. Look, it’s not like I WANT to talk about it. It just keeps coming up n the news, is all.
Last week, the Associated Press reported that the city council in Brooksville, Fla., voted 4 to 1 to pass an ordinance requiring its city employees to wear undergarments and deodorant to work.
While I am wondering how officials knew they had an underwear compliance problem, I am glad someone finally took a stand.
Back in the day, men wore suits and women wore heels to work. Now bosses have to make a concerted effort to keep flip flops and shorts out of the office.
I guess with the heat and humidity in Florida, just getting workers to wear underpants is a problem. And if their daddies never taught them any better, well, city officials may as well ordain it.
The only vote against the underpants ordinance came from Mayor Joe Bernadini, who said the edict takes away workers’ “freedom of choice.” Guess we know what he’s been wearing, or not, underneath his suit.
I do have one problem with the rule, though — enforcement.
I know the job market is tough right now but do you really think anyone would apply to be the underwear checker/deodorant sniffer?
Hmmm.
Wonder what that kind of thing pays?
You can reach Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.
Kelly Kazek
Dads: Don’t forget underwear enforcement important part of job description
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