I have been accused in the past of not being a dog person.

This is not true.

My first pet was a beagle and he was the best dog EVER. Well, he must have had some wiener dog in him because his legs were about two inches long and his stomach and ears dragged the ground but still, he was the best dog EVER that ran like a tree sloth because his stomach and ears dragged the ground.

But as an adult, I am basically the whichever-pet-requires-the-least-amount-of-exertion-on-my-part person. Which is why I have cats.

My existence was quite ordered until my teen daughter Shannon brought home a stray beagle-mix pup the other day and, of course, it was going to be put to death if we did not keep it.

We, the Kazek family, were the only ones on the planet who stood between this poor defenseless puppy and certain annihilation.

And, to my relief, Shannon was more than willing to take on ALL the responsibilities herself — feeding, bathing, walking, training … acclimating the puppy to the three cats. Whew. That made me feel so much better.

My cats have the dog-like qualities I need — they come when I call, sleep on my bed, pout when I’ve been out of town — without all that dumb, slobbery dog stuff.

When is the last time you saw a cat sitting at your feet, leash in her mouth, wagging her entire body excitedly, emitting a tiny stream of piddle, until, after eight or nine hours, you feel guilty enough to get up and take her for a walk?

And when did you ever have to take a cat out in the back yard at 2 a.m. when it’s 14 degrees, uttering stupid phrases like “Come on, baby, do your business,” or “Go poo-poo for Mommy,” “Please, please go potty,” — at this point tears have frozen to your face — and finally “You better go or I’m gonna *#!@#” and then the neighbors call the police and it turns into a whole incident that never would have happened if you had an animal that went poo in a litter box.

Cats do not have to sniff the entire square footage of a yard before deciding exactly which spot has the perfect aroma to leave their pee.

They do not have to make a dizzying 18 gazillion circles before they can squat.

Cats do not bite their own tails.

Cats do not learn to stay or sit, for the same reason I don’t — they don’t want to.

However, we have a cat named Butthead, er, Scout, I will admit has a few psychological problems — he loves to eat paper. Shannon was only kid in school who ever had to tell her teacher, “The cat ate my homework.” I was supposed to send a note saying she was telling the truth but Scout ate it.

The puppy — which Shannon appropriately named Lucy, as in “Looo-cy, you got some splainin’ to do” — loves wood. She’s already chewed a paint stirrer she found in the garage, the coffee table and an antique rocker, and whenever we are outdoors her favorite items are landscaping ties, sticks and tree bark.

Not that I’m saying she’s dumb.

And while cats may have the same tendency as dogs to scratch and chew things they are not supposed to, they have the good sense to not look guilty about it so that sometimes we cat owners might actually wonder if we did it ourselves.

“Scout, are you the one who ate the newspaper?”

And Scout would sit imperially, lift his chin and look at me as if to say, “Do I LOOK stupid enough to eat paper?” until I would begin to think, “Mmmm. Maybe I ate it. I was awfully hungry when I got home from work.”

But a dog looks guilty before you even realize it’s done anything.

Lucy will come flouncing over to the foot of my chair and look up with big amber eyes and I’ll say, “What have you done?” and go looking for a mess.

On Thursday, I found a trail made of pieces of a chewed ink pen and began to panic.

Sure enough, the trail ended in a big black stain right in the middle of the living room carpet. I guess I could hang a photo there and tell guests I’m trying feng shui.

I’ve never seen a cat eat an ink pen. Even Scout.

I’m just sayin.’

Lucy’s got some splainin’ to do. The only problem is, she just keeps waggin’ her whole-self and staring at me with big amber eyes.



Send your pet tales to Kelly Kazek at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.