Y’all will never guess — we in the South have several towns ranked among “America’s Manliest Cities.”
That’s right — Nashville is No. 1, Charlotte is No. 2, Memphis is No. 11 and good ol’ Birmingham is No. 23.
Well, don’t that crank your camouflage pick-’em-up truck?
But, ladies, before you go organizing a Manly Man Hunt to any of these cities — you know, tour buses filled with rope-and-duct-tape-wielding eligible women in full-on, trap-and-keep mode — you might want to know what being “manly” means.
The survey was conducted by Combos snacks, and included such criterion as “most sports bars” and “most monster truck pulls per capita.”
Huh.
So it’s really a “Cities with Most Redneck Men” survey, or maybe “Cities Filled with Men Who Intend to Stay Single — For a Long, Long Time.”
A report from the Manliest Cities survey states that Nashville achieved its high ranking because of its large number of NASCAR enthusiasts, the popularity of hunting and fishing and a heavy concentration of barbecue restaurants.
But let’s think about this.
What right-thinking woman would choose to look for a man, say, in a city with the highest number of bowling alleys or with most power tools per capita?
Do you want a man who will help you put out the azaleas come spring, or do you want a man who’s down at the Split Happens lanes rolling a few frames and sucking down a Pabst Blue Ribbon?
New Orleans also does the South proud in the Manliest Cities survey: The Big Easy boasts more hardware stores per capita than any other city in the country.
We all know the only power tools a woman wants her man to be familiar with are the vacuum and the George Foreman Grill.
Sure, it would be nice if your man were experienced with pistol-grip drills, nail guns and reciprocating saws (like anyone even knows what one of those things does) — if he would use them as God intended and you demanded. But when’s the last time you saw a man use a tool from his extensive collection to actually fix something around the house that needed repairing?
Does he rehang the shutters? Fix the leaky faucet? Put a new leg on the three-legged chair in the living room that makes you have to cock your head to watch TV?
No, he uses his fancy tools on “projects,” such as installing a flat-screen across from the toilet, or a handy dandy built-in keg cooler in his Barca Lounger so he can show off to other Men Who Measure Their Worth by Their Tools.
New York City, while it does have a high number of bowling alleys, is last on the Top 50 list because there’s not much place there for fishing, home improvement and drag racing. Well, duh. A man who requires a bi-weekly mani-pedi and carries a Man Purse uses the word “drag” in only one context, and it has nothing to do with racing.
Did anyone really think a city where a performance of “Guys and Dolls” is a major tourist attraction and there’s an art gallery on every corner would have lots of gun-toting motorheads in it?
When a New York man refers to his trigger finger, he means the one that points to the half-caf, blended cream, mochaccino at the corner Starbucks.
So now you might think I’m being picky: I don’t want a man who hauls a bloody deer head into the Hair of the Dog Neighborhood Bar and Taxidermist, but I also want to be the one who carries the purse in the family.
Well, yeah.
I’m all about happy mediums.
I say a guy should never be too manly to plug in the vacuum or whip up a dinner quiche; I just don’t want my guy sitting beside me at the salon with foils in his hair.
You might get past the bloody deer head, but a man discussing his guylights with a stylist is an image you can never truly erase.
Kelly Kazek
Related Photos
-
Kelly Kazek
Discussion
Know what you want before man hunt
- Kelly Kazek
-
-
What are smart phones really planning?
You may think I still use eight-track cassettes and BETA tapes, too, but, no, it’s only with phones that I draw the line. I have my reasons. Hear me out.
- Twinkies need government bailout
-
Biography of Kelly Kazek
Kelly Kazek was born in Warner Robins, Ga., in whichever year adds up to her being 35.
-
Surreal episode irks orchestra director
When the iPhone’s common ringtone, which is supposed to sound like that well-known musical instrument the marimba, went off during a performance of the New York Philharmonic last Tuesday, the conductor was highly irked, incensed and rankled, or in philharmonic terms, seriously cheesed.
-
Lucy smarter than the average dog
I was thinking perhaps I should give Lucy one of those doggie IQ tests. You know, the ones in which you place a ball under a blanket and see if your dog is smart enough to find it?
-
Having daughter home from college an experience
During Shannon’s first long visit home at Thanksgiving, I realized we were having a communication problem, namely she doesn’t think she has to communicate what time she’ll be home at night.
-
A single mom’s dream before Christmas
Note: This column by Kelly Kazek was initially published Christmas Eve 2006 in The News Courier.
-
It's here: Annual Guide to Seriously Weird Christmas Gifts
Then, shoo, skedaddle, vamoose. Go watch football or pull someone’s finger or whatever it is you guys do. But do not read this column!
-
Dieter's blue plate includes Cookie Monster cupcake
Finally, after all these years I have learned the excuse, er, reason for my weight gain: my plate.
No, it’s not a metal one in my head. Like I haven’t heard that before. -
Most wonderful time can be dangerous
After reading about the dastardly deeds committed so far this year in the name of peace on earth, I am starting a petition to send to Santa. I am asking him to change his list categories from “naughty” and “nice” to “naughty,” “nice enough,” “purty good,” and “too stupid to be wasting Rudolph’s oxygen.”
- More Kelly Kazek Headlines
-
Denver's Largest-Ever Drug Bust Nets Dozens
Marines: No Punishment for Nazi-like Flag
Vets Look to Translate Military Skills Into Jobs
Expert: Removing LA School's Staff 'Appropriate'
Raw Video: School Bus Burst Into Flames
LA School Reopens Amid Sex Abuse Scandal
$25B Settlement Reached Over Foreclosure Abuses
Pentagon: Allow Women Closer to Front Lines
Obama Gives Education Waivers to 10 States
Giffords Aide to Run for Her Seat
LA School in Sex Abuse Scandal Reopens
Winter Slamming North Asia, Parts of Europe
Syrian Forces Renew Bombardment of Homs
States, Banks Reach Foreclosure-abuse Settlement
Raw Video: Italy's Mount Etna Bursts Into Life
Greeks March; Angry Despite Debt Deal
Raw Video: U.S. Pullout Celebration
Raw Video: Annual Empire State Building Run-Up
Man Killed in Courthouse Shootout
Air Force Airlines: Leaders Get Polished Service
