Quick! Put out an Amber Bock Alert!

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March 8, 2009

Anonymous The News Courier Sun Mar 08, 2009, 11:03 AM CDT

OK, class, last week we learned about people who remain optimistic in the face of tough challenges.

You know: When the going gets psychotic, the psychotic get going. That type thing.

This week, we’ll learn about those who handle dire straits a little differently, or, as I like to put it: “Seriously whacked out times call for seriously whacked out measures.”

To some, the people described below are heroes, people who won’t let anything — not crooks, not oncoming cars, not the sense God gave a thumbtack — stand in their way.

To others, these people are just, well, a few peanuts shy of a recall.

Take the grocery store clerk in Fullerton, Calif., who noticed a man who was trying to make off with a 36-pack of beer. The brave clerk was not one to let innocent brew get beernapped. Who knew if this thief would properly care for the beer? Who knew when the grocery would ever see it again?

It seemed like the perfect time for an Amber Bock Alert.

Instead, the clerk raced after the man and did what any responsible beer lover would do — jumped on the hood of the getaway car and hung on for four blocks despite the fact that the thief kept speeding up and then hitting his brakes in an attempt to knock the man off. Finally, the tired thief stopped the car.

The clerk then retrieved the beer but left the thief, who drove off, for police to find.

Like I always say, “A beer in the hand is worth two in the crook.” Or something like that.

Next we have Latreasa Goodman of Florida, who last week saw an injustice and did what we’ve all been taught to do — called the police.

The problem was McDonald’s was out of Chicken McNuggets. Look, y’all, don’t judge. I know those things are more cardboard than chicken and sometimes there are mysterious little gray bits inside them.

But Latreasa wanted some and, in fact, had already paid. When she was told the restaurant was out of McNuggets, Latreasa did what any sane-minded woman would do and asked for her money back. The clerk said that particular McDonald’s had a no-refund policy and Latreasa would just have to accept a Big Mac or McRib or something.

Say what?

Latreasa didn’t want any McRib.

She wanted her McNUGGETS, people!

I happen to back her on this. In this economy, we should get what we pay for, right? Even gray-ish, chicken-like, disc-shaped food products.

So she picked up her cell phone and dialed 911. Not once, not twice, but three times.

Seems police don’t think absence of McNuggets is an emergency. (But let Dunkin Donuts run dry, and, well…)

McDonald’s has since apologized and refunded the money but Latreasa may be McScarred for life.

Elsewhere in Florida, on Wednesday, a man trying to save a parking space for his wife at a Murphy USA gas station stood in the space waiting for her to pull up.

Another driver pulled into the spot and intentionally struck the man in the knees. Then he backed up and did it again, witnesses said.

Well, sure. I can see that. Apparently, no one told the man about the “no holdies” rule. Who wouldn’t be upset at this break in parking lot etiquette?

The victim’s knees were bruised and swollen, according to The News-Press in Fort Myers. He will survive and likely emerge a better citizen.

See? People are coming together.

As a nation, we are saying, “Lean on me … and I will push your fat hindend right off.”

It warms my heart.

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