Tired of those biting, stinging pests?
Getting a headache from those annoying buzzing and chirping noises?
Looking for a cure for that ever-present pain in your neck?
An English company hopes to solve your problems with its new invention that scatters society’s biggest pests: teens. (Hey, I’m not the one who said it. It’s in the brochure. OK, fine. I was thinking it.)
Apparently, the U.S. is not the only country where teens congregate on street corners and in business parking lots, making noise, harassing potential customers and generally acting as if they are on some sort of psychedelic hormone trip. So the British company Kids Be Gone developed the Mosquito Ultrasonic Teen Deterrent, and, no, this is not taken from the plot of a sci-fi movie featuring a planet on which only adults are allowed to live.
This is a real-for-sure, hi-tech gadget reviewed by The Wall Street Journal. You have to believe something written right next to an article headlined: “16 hot dividend stocks.”
The gadget takes advantage of the fact that we oldsters (anyone over the age of 20) have such damaged hearing that we can’t detect the sounds it emits. But apparently to those under 20, the high-decibel noise is painful and, according to one advertisement, can scatter an entire spray-paint-wielding gang in under four minutes.
Momentarily, this made me smile. Members of aforementioned spray-paint-wielding gang are likely the ones who caused our hearing loss in the first place by vibrating — without our permission — eardrums, cars, homes, streets and entire neighborhoods with enough bass to shatter glass.
Gangstas, meet karma.
Then I hesitated. Lots of those pesky kids hanging out at businesses spend more money than their parents, drive nicer cars and have better credit records.
Business owners might want to rethink scaring off one of the largest segments of the buying public, not to mention the havoc the high sounds might cause among neighborhood dogs and babies.
Still, the Mosquito could have practical uses.
Keep it handy when your daughter’s first date comes to the door. If he has a tricked-out Volkswagon van with shag carpet on the walls, don’t hesitate: Repel him.
Take it on road trips for easy use when your 10-year-old starts giving the 7-year-old Indian burns or holding a finger an inch from her face and chanting, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you.”
Keep inside the front door so it’s ready when you come home early from a weekend getaway to find 30 teens who don’t belong to you, a keg of beer iced down in your bathtub, a couple making out in the closet and a pizza upside down on your new white sofa.
While this invention would be handy for any parent, I’m thinking of investing in another hi-tech repellent. Developed by MIT’s Media Lab, the No-Contact Jacket sends a jolt to those who invade your personal space.
This would have been great to have when I was in high school and we had this guy in our class who was incapable of greeting a female without touching some part of her anatomy, unable to comprehend that those parts are covered by clothing for a reason. That might have been OK if he’d looked like Brad Pitt but he was more, well, sweaty pits.
I could have pushed a button hidden at the hem of my sleeve and “ZAP!” — the ends of his hair would be singed and smoke would be coming from his ears.
Well, maybe that’s only an Ally-McBeal-type fantasy. In reality, only a “small” electric shock is emitted.
Still, this is a tool women the world over have been needing for some time. It would be perfect for those darkened parking garages, singles bars and the office Christmas party.
Plus, we’d finally have the advantage when diving past the kids for the last chocolate chip cookie.
What? Like you’re above a little harmless kid zapping if it means getting your chocolate fix?
Didn’t think so.
Kelly Kazek
New teen repellent has practical uses
- Kelly Kazek
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